Welcome to my mind, this is kinda what is is like in there. Enjoy if you would like, but even I don't always. So don't feel obligated or anything.

(please excuse all grammar mistakes, I dislike editing my thoughts.)

Sunday, November 8, 2015


Sorry my capslock got stuck and it was such an experience un-locking it that I decided to leave the title capitalized.

I have a writing assignment to write an op-ed about something that we know about and care about and about something that has some differing opinions. Naturally I chose something that I am not super comfortable talking about, social anxiety and service/companion/emotional support animals. And in my research I've learned that pretty much no group of people involved agree with each other or have a very clear idea of what they are talking about. Which is super duper reassuring to me.

Even the official psych definition of Social anxiety is a little bit loose and up in the air and varying studies have slightly different definitions and qualifiers that they are working with so it's difficult to compare them. The name that most people are calling it though is SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) which I think is just a really unfortunate acronym. Especially because it's also already used to describe Seasonal Affective Disorder---I think.

There isn't really fixed definition of social anxiety itself except for a general consensus that it must exist if everyone is talking about it. But there also aren't any clear rules or definitions of what makes a service animal. The ADA is vague and then there's all sorts of debate about whether or not animals who just serve to support someone emotionally are really necessary. Like maybe some people could get behind a dog being supportive but a ferret is pushing it.

And I get it from like the logical point of view, there should be assurances that these animals aren't going to be disruptive to other people nearby but how do you quantify what is disruptive and how can you prove that an animal isn't going to be disruptive on paper?

Also, when someone has a mental illness filling out paperwork and justifying the support that you need and don't fully understand is absolutely no fun and fills you with doubt about whether or not what you're feeling is real or worth anyone else's time. At least that was my experience.

Essentially this post is just complaining about how no one knows anything and I have no idea how people would get more definitive knowledge rules while making sure that everyone had the support and individualized care that they needed. It's one big wibblywobbly mess.

Here's a picture of Harriet being cute:

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Things have changed....

I was reading over some of my old posts and I feel that things in my life have really changed. I look back at old little me and think, "wow, if only you knew."

So, here's what's new. I have been diagnosed with social anxiety. That's not really new because I think that's something I've pretty much had since fourth or fifth grade, but now I know that it's real. Which means that I allow my feelings to have value and meaning. Which honestly sucks, it was so much easier when I was operating under the impression that I was a vulcan.

To help me with my social anxiety I was prescribed to have an assistance animal (That's why I went to the therapist originally) and now I have a puppy. Her name is Harriet. She's a German Shepherd mix thing. She's an adorable pain in my ass. She's about 14 weeks old. Here's a picture from when I first met her back in September:

When Harriet and I first met     

It took about a month to actually bring her home to my dorm (Yes, I am still attending Soka). This is a picture from when she first moved in:

Harriet when she moved in
And here's a picture from the last weekish:
Harriet and I from the past week or so
As you can see she is absolutely adorable. She even has a facebook account, you can be friends with her if you want. :) Her name's Harriet Lief. Harriet's Facebook

Her only problem is that she doesn't like to hang out with me when I am anxious, which means that as an assistance animal she sort of sucks. I think it's just a puppy thing that she'll grow out of, because the rest of the time she's stellar. She's sleeping next to me right now.

Part of acknowledging my emotions is that I'm much more aware of when I am unhappy and generally down for no particular reason and being aware of what makes it worse. One of the things that made it worse, substantially worse, exponentially even, was my Chinese class. Oh MyGod, it was awful. I hated that class and doing all the homework. Honestly, I don't think anyone is actually reading this, but I'll pretend you know me. I am not one to give up in school. I do my best and my best is frequently pretty good. But I was straight up failing this class. It got so bad that one night I just cried on the bathroom floor for 2+ hours and wasn't able to pull myself out of my dramatic pit of despair. It was after that night that I decided to withdraw from the class. That's right, I backed out, gave up, extricated myself.

I've felt a lot better since, I mean I'm still not cured of all my problems but getting rid of that class certainly made the rest of my issues at least more confrontable.

Having dropped Chinese I now have more time. I was taking 4 classes now I'm taking 3. That means that I can do things like train my puppy and write. I am going to try to do nanowrimo.

I haven't written since I learned that there was actually something different about me, and I feel like having a mental illness makes my art (writing) more meaningful, which I'm pretty sure is BS. But anyways, we'll see how it goes.

Another part of all this self-discovery I've been shoved into has been realizing that I should just succumb to my nature and concentrate in humanities. I've always enjoyed my humanities classes the most (unless Dr. Gruhn was teaching biology) and I should do something I like. I'm good at other stuff, and I can pretty easily get day jobs, or just work at Kovar's (which I honestly don't want to do my whole life as much as I enjoy working there).

I have this likely erroneous idea that I can't be successful/happy/have any noticeable income unless I find a way to insert myself into Corporate America. So maybe I want to be an editor or a publisher at some major publishing corporation. Like Scholastic, or Harper Collins, or Penguin. Those would all be decent jobs that I wouldn't be ashamed to tell my friends and family about.

 I think that's all for now. I'm doing nanowrimo so I'll be writing a lot but I'll try to post on here every once in a while. I think that it would be good for me.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

New Day

I got my hair cut today, really short. It looks great. I think so and everyone who has seen it so far loves it too, so I'm pretty pleased.

That's the good thing about today.

The not as great thing is that I am writing this script thing, right? Well, I wrote a bunch on it a couple days ago. And then when I opened it today I wasn't able to find all the stuff I had written. So I re-wrote it (It's different but covers the same time) And then I found what I had written before. So now I have two scripts and I don't know which one to keep around because having two will just be confusing and half will get on one and half will get on the other.

I think that I am going to keep the one that I just did, that makes more sense...and I have a vision for what's going to happen next.

My new hair cut+me thinking about what to do in my script
Thanks for helping me work through this guys, you're all a bunch of sweethearts.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

I know, two posts in one day, I must be bored

Well I am bored, get over it.

Anyway that's basically all I wanted to say. I really want to start writing a story or finish a story or something. But honestly I am having a profound feeling of inertia. And now I'm sitting here writing to no one. I don't know what else I am supposed to do. THAT IS SUCH A LIE. I know exactly what I need to do. I know that I need to just ducking write. But that is sort of what I am doing now.

What I really want is a writing buddy. Someone to just sit and write with. I don't think I even have to know them, we would eventually get to know each other, but seriously. Come on people, send me a buddy. And not a super creepy one that I would worry going out alone with. A nice dilegent worker one who likes coffee. Ok, world, show me what you got.

My News and Considerations

First off, I got into Soka University of America. I'm very exciting. I will be there next fall. There are a couple logistical things that still have to be worked out:

How I am going to pay for the whole enterprise
How I am going to test for my black belt.

See, here's the thing. While my parents are very supportive of my education they can't just create money out of thin air. I will likely be expected to contribute $10,000 a year, which is a lot of money because that becomes $40,000.

The other thing, the black belt thing. I would be testing for my black belt now if I hadn't gone to college. But I'm not because I did. And I'm not saying that I regret going, or that I am worried that I wasted my time, I didn't. But I am saying that I have already turned away from my martial arts goal for school once and I'm not really keen on doing it again.

This is an issue because I have two tests that I HAVE TO BE AT and they are the first and second week of my new school. So it's  a bit of an issue. The tests are on the weekends so I guess I will have to fly back or something which will be really stressful. My mom thinks that I should wait to get my black belt again, but I don't want to!

A couple more things that I am considering right now:

Do I go to the Monterey Institute of Language this summer? I would have to get a a place to live over there. It's an 8 week intensive program but I would come out being able to speak Spanish. Maybe not fluently but I would be able to get by. Which is something that I want. (I have more to say about this but I want to get to other points.)

If I want to do this language thing then I would need the money to do it, the program itself costs $4,000 plus I would have to live there, and drive back every weekend so that I am able to train for my black belt. Because that is the case and I have to spend money for college I would need to get a second job. This is something I would actually be able to do because I got into Soka and they don't transfer credits. But that also means finding another job and I am not sure if I want to stop going to school for a semester and a summer, that's a long time. And it will be even trickier going to Soka after that. Although in that case I would be doing the Monterey thing which is a lot like school.

The other thing that I am considering is traveling back to all the places I've lived in the country over the last year or so. I would also visit Seattle cause that's where my best friend is living currently. Anyway I would do that in the Spring. It would also cost money though because I'd be going on all those darned planes and stuff. But I would get to see all my people again and I think that would be great. I think that it would also be good for me to see the people of the past as I go into my future---I could use the word "Journey" here but that is a little bit too woo-woo for me.

That's what's on my mind right now. Sometimes I wish I had actual readers, but then I stop. Because then I would actually have to worry about someone reading my stuff. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

In Which I Learn Three things about Me, Myself, and I

1. Me take personal offense to my cat having fleas.
2. Myself saying Spanish vocab words alone in a room can be creepy. Agree, Not Agree, Danger, Wind, quiet, Loud
3. I love writing from a child's point of view.

There was going to be more to this blog post, but that beginning bit was all I was really itching to write. Although my cat is itching all over, she is the one with the fleas after all. You know, you may be wondering, why would I be writing a blog post this late at night, well, I will tell you, I had coffee at like 5 and I am still a little pumped, also, periods in sentences are for wusses..................
You guys should be really proud, I am typing all of this with my cat's head resting on my hand. She seems to think my fingers moving up and down are like a little throat massage. Or she is just making a point. I think she is makin g apoint, she does not seem comfortable.

Ok, I am going to leave you to make my cat happy. Yes, my single cat trumps all you adoring fans out there.

OH, BTW I am not going on Semester at Sea, I didn't quite get the scholarships. I am going to send the little money that I raised back to the donors (Thanks guys!) but first I need to get my money back from semestre at sea. Also, I need to tell those peoplpe that they are getting checks from me. ok now oprah's cjin is typing and her paw is mousing, I have no idea if this is still going to make any sense. Ohh, she moved her head. Oprah is my cat. Oprah, my cat, is resting her head on my hand. I am leaving only about half of the resulting typos. I also can't see my keyboard or my hands. Yay touch typing!

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Community College and what it's done to my reasoning skills as evidenced below.

As some of you know (Yes, I am looking at you, mom) I am now attending a community college. I know, huge shock, no one saw this coming, right?
Anyway, while my classes themselves are fine, they are like any other class I have taken with mildly more sullen students in them. That's not the point though. Yesterday when I was on campus we had some Colonists on campus.
They were in the main quad, their banners were set up, they had the 1st amendment written in fancy colonial script all over the place. These folks were so dedicated to their cause they even had costumes, we had at least three George Washingtons wandering around. The colonist who were either too poor or lacking in dedication, showed their support to the cause by wearing "don't tread on me" T-shirts.
Now, I'd like to establish now that I don't have any particular issue with these people setting up camp in my quad. The Gay Straight Alliance people were there last week, although they didn't take up THE ENTIRE QUAD WHERE PEOPLE WERE TRYING TO WALK, they just had one little booth. I would also like to add that last week was club week, I signed up for the AMSA (American Medical Student Association).
I'm not sure who these old white geisers thought they were, but they were in my walking space looking silly.  I included the 1st amendment at the bottom of the page.
I was gratified to hear that the other students on campus were calling this clan of costume wearing old men the Tea Party. One clever boy walking by me said, "The Tea Party is Occupying the Quad."
Ok, not really sure where this was going. I can't remember what the point I was trying to make was. I happen to like the first amendment. I'm not sure what those Don't Tread on me Folks were doing with it though. From what I understand, I don't usually agree with anything they have to say.

But that is essentially what community college has been like for me so far. Weird people, sometimes in costumes, wandering around, not making clear points. I have also gotten to know the administration people because I keep having issues fitting into their box-like system.

I understand why the community college system has to be box-like because they have a lot of students to serve and there need to be fixed processes and not short-cuts and roundabouts if every one is going to have a fair and equal chance at an education. 

Ok, I'm going to watch a TV show and then study for my math test.

Text of the 1st Amendment

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.